The Loki Goodness Campaign
by ArgentNoelle
Summary: Loki finally gets tired of the attempts on his life, and endeavors to convince the world that he is now a good guy. ...No, really. -written with my sister-
1. Prologue

Prologue

* * *

Loki woke up one fine summer morning to the sound of the lock on his bedroom door being picked. He knew this, of course, because he had picked enough locks to recognize the sound. Although he usually preferred using magic. Or explosions.

He groaned.

The door flew open, to reveal a short man wearing an orange T-shirt with the word Pumpkins emblazoned on it, and a cape obviously made from a sheet of plastic. It hadn't even bothered with the futile task of trying to look intimidating.

"I," the man proclaimed, straightening himself to his full puny height, "Am George."

Loki sat up. "George who?" he said.

The man looked vaguely insulted. "George Weathermarrow, if you must know," he said tetchily. "I am here to kill you for your crimes against humanity."

"And Jotunheim," Loki put in helpfully. "You can't forget that."

The man scowled, pulling a butterfly net from under his cape.

"How, may I ask," Loki said, with a sneer of disdain, "are you planning to kill me with _that_?"

"I thought the whole thing out." The man said, with a faint smile on his lips, and a far away look in his eyes. "I will cast the net mightily over your sorry head and twist it with great force, creating a severe strain on your neck, causing it to snap."

Loki couldn't help it. He laughed.

The man let out what was probably supposed to be a roar, and flew at Loki, butterfly net outstretched.

Loki stood up.

/

FRONT PAGE NEWS:

George Weathermarrow, a conscientious and quiet man of 42, has gone missing this past week. His wife stated that, "He left on Monday morning to go to work just as he usually does. I haven't seen him since."

It's been one week since the man's mysterious disappearance, and police have found no sign of him, though they say there is no reason to suspect foul play.

"It's possible he just wandered off and got lost. Happens to my dog all the time."

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	2. Chapter 2

The day after the article came out detailing the regretful disappearance of George Weathermarrow, Loki finally decided on doing something he'd been contemplating for some time. He was going to change his image. The constant attempts on his life were getting tedious.

The first thing to do, of course, was to hire a marketing agent.

Loki flipped through his phone book, before setting his finger down on a name that sounded promising. _Selva Jane, Marketing Professionalist:_ _Gain a reputation in whatever field you require._

One phone call and ten minutes later, Loki had arranged for Selva Jane herself to come to his house. No one ever said he wasn't a smooth talker.

/

"So you see my dilemma," Loki concluded.

"Ah yes," replied Selva. "I see how that would be a problem. Don't worry, we'll have this taken care of in no time at all."

Loki smiled. "Don't make promises you can't keep."

The two proceeded to Loki's luxurious business room, where the woman spread out her papers on the table, and began to explain her marketing plan.

"We'll start by getting everyone used to the idea that you're not really a bad guy, and that they have nothing to fear from you. To do this, we will have you run an advice column in the Weekly News."

"An advice column, you say?" Loki thought about that for a moment. "I suppose that would not do any harm."

"Great!" the woman said, beaming, "I'll write the paper and see what I can arrange. You can expect my call tomorrow."

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	3. Loki the Advice Columnist

Chapter Two: Loki the Advice Columnist 

/

A few days later, Loki found himself receiving his first letter.

_Dear Loki, _

_I really want to help a friend of mine who has been feeling down the past couple of weeks. Nothing I do seems to help. I can't bear to see her so sad like this. I don't know what to do._

Loki stared into the middle distance and frowned. _Sentiment_, he thought scathingly.

He made his computer appear, and began to type.

_Don't give up on your friend. Of course you must try to cheer her up. Since you can't think of how to go about it, I will give you a suggestion:_

Loki paused. He could not, for the life of him, think of what to write next.

Well, what used to cheer Thor up?

_Take her to face a mighty threat. After facing death together, you will find she is much more grateful for your assistance. If she has any decency at all._

_If not, then I'd advise you not to waste your time on her any longer. You will free yourself of one less Mortal to care about who doesn't care for you in return._

After reading his response, he nodded. Yes, that seemed appropriate. What he would have given to have received advice like this in his youth.

/

FRONT PAGE NEWS

While exploring an abandoned apartment building, two teenage girls injured themselves severely when the floor collapsed beneath them.

When asked about their reasons for entering the old wreck, one tearfully replied, "He answered me. In the newspaper."

Subsequent investigations have revealed the harmful advice came from a new contributor to the _Weekly News_, a mysterious figure presenting themself only as _Loki_.

The doctor who treated the two girls had this to say. "Personally, I'd advise everyone to ignore any advice this man gives you. Just calling himself Loki is reason enough not to trust him. After all, that's the name of the fellow who tried to destroy New York."

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	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Three:

Hardly a day after this unflattering article was published, Loki received a notice from the _Weekly News_, stating, politely but firmly, that they must regretfully inform him his services were no longer welcome.

/

"What were you thinking?!" Selva Jane was as close to discomposed as she ever was. "How could you think that was good advice to give? I suppose we should only be grateful no one else did as you suggested. Some of those replies were, frankly, horrifying!"

"If they found my replies so unsatisfactory," Loki spat, "Why print it at all?"

Selva opened her mouth. She closed it. "I'm not sure," she said eventually.

Loki eyed her with suspicion. "You are hiding something from me," he said.

"No—" Selva tried to protest.

"You _know_ who I am, don't you? You can never hope to fool me, _mortal_."

The woman sighed, looking a bit pale. "Well," she said. "The _Weekly News_ isn't what you'd call the most reliable of newspapers. But, frankly, they were the only ones who would work with you."

"Ah," Loki said. He walked over to the window, and imagined the impressive size of an explosion big enough to incinerate the headquarters of the _Weekly News_. "Perhaps we should stay away from advice for the time being."

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	5. Chapter 5

"There you go," said Nicolas, setting down the cup beside Loki's plate. He was sitting in his usual place by the window, where he could watch the ludicrously paltry mortals and have his back against a wall, whilst enjoying a pastry baked by the owner, Mr. Croswell.

"Thank you," Loki said graciously, taking a sip of his tea. "Hmmm. Vanilla and lavender this time, is it? Quite an interesting combination."

"It's new," Nicolas replied.

"Hardly surprising, Croswell, but enough about tea. I see that look of yours—do you wish to show me something?"

Nicolas grinned. "Its another poem," he said, taking a folded paper out of his pocket and setting it on the table. Loki looked over it with a quirk of a smile. "Interesting," he said at last. "It has talent, but the subject matter is rather mawkish…"

Nicolas rolled his eyes. "Who even says mawkish?"

"I do," Loki returned. He raised an eyebrow. "Is it not appropriate? I have read it in various pieces of literature, and cross-referenced it with the dictionary to make sure I knew the finer shades of the meaning."

"Oh, its fine, it's just not widely used," Nicolas returned. He shook his head. "I'd like to see what a poem _you_ wrote looks like!"

"I have written many. Is this surprising?"

Nicolas shrugged. "I don't know—just because you read it doesn't mean you write it."

Loki took a small bite of his breakfast and thought for a moment. Poetry… of course! "I've got it," he murmured at last. Loki conjured a fountain pen and began to scribble intently.

In a place of dread darkness evil raged  
dealing death, ten thousand bone-beasts  
riding through the land, like  
rocks rolling down a mountainside.  
Now the people despaired, crying in dread  
to their heroes,  
helpless against the onslaught.  
Then came the Avengers, mighty warriors,  
clad in battle-gear,  
a shield of safety from the shadowed sky  
striking out against their enemies.  
The great captain, friend of his people  
threw forth his headland of swords,  
and the man of iron flying above  
rained fire upon the unbleeding dead,  
the terrible giant sprang into the spear-din  
crushing the cries from the throats  
of his great enemies.  
Now the shieldmaiden shot down  
many fierce foes, and the hawk  
aimed from high above, every arrow true.  
Soon the streets stood empty  
but for the bones of the twice-slain.  
Then the people came in thanks,  
rejoicing for their enemies ruin.

Nicolas read the poem over with a slight smile. "Is this about last week?"

Loki said nothing, but grinned.

Nicolas scanned over the poem again, but then he frowned. "Where's Thor?" he asked. Loki shrugged. "He's the one who saved the day, right?" Nicolas went on.

"You could say so," Loki said.

"So why isn't he in the poem?"

"I ran out of room," Loki said blandly. Nicolas looked up from the poem and met Loki's eyes. He saw the humor in them and wondered what the mysterious man was planning now.

/

(_"Friend of his people", "headland of swords" for shield, and "spear-din" for battle came from the list of Norse kennings on Wikipedia. The phrase "dealing death" came from the peacemaker prophecy in the Underland Chronicles by Suzanne Collins._)

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End file.
